THE HONORABLE MEMBERS OTTAWA ADVENTURE

 
The Honorable Member's Ottawa Adventure
I was telling this really long story on a really short day when I saw this incredibly wide load completely filling my narrow view of things. “Hmmm??? This was a problem.” I had no one to complain to so I pretended I was black so I could blend in with the rocks that were rolling around in my head. When suddenly a solution became obvious to even the most dubious part of me. If I shut my eyes tight the load will most certainly disappear from my view. So I shut them tight. So tight my nose began to twitch. When the twitching stopped I realized that everything was black. “Ah-huh- with my disguise now in place I made my escape lunging forward squashing my nose flat on the wide load still apparently ahead of me. Now with the odd gush of blood dripping off my chin I thought maybe I should plug my ears so the load couldn't hear me and made another lunge. Wham. My forehead now split open. Yeah my plan was working.” I yelled. Nope couldn't hear anything. I stuck my tongue out and started making barking noises to confuse my opponent. It was then I felt a hugging on my coat sleeve till I finally pulled a finger out of my one ear. The other ear was in my pocket. Never worked anyway. “What are you doin there buddy?” I heard in a distinct newfie accent. "You're given yourself a hell of a beatin."
“I am defending myself.” I exclaimed.
“Against what?”
“Against this abomination, against all that is un holy and impure man. and all those that are against God and of course me. That is what I am doing my good man.”
“Well I don't know any of that but you were telling me a real good story about you being a spy against those communist-Muslim girls in that nudist colony in B.C. Then you hit a pole and started goin all funny like. What do ya do buddy. You're not from one of them funny homes we've been hearin about on the island are ya?”
I am an M.P. I am the sitting member from Alberta.”
“
Sounds like you're an Indian on strike. What tribe you from?”
“No you imbecile. Sorry my house leader says I should be more civil to the voter. You do vote don't you?”
“Yup. I vote fer den again.”
“You voted fer and again what?”
“I voted fer the liquor stores to be open 24 hours a day, no exceptions and agin if they should be closed on Christmas.”
“What about in elections man? Do you vote in elections?”
“Why are you getting so riled up over me voting habits?”
“I want to know if I should try and be nice to you.”
“Oh sure, I voted plenty of times but it is always the same guy that gets in. No matter what. Premier, Prime Minister, Mayor, school board, union hall. It is always the same guy.”
“How could it always be the same guy?”
“He is always a moron kinda like you. I'll bet you wanna be prime minister.”
“Well people have said-whispers have been heard-voices with people live and in my head have always been similar.”
“Oh I get it. You heard. Yeah we could use this lame dumb duck.”
“Yeah. I'd be good for them.”
“Who is them?”
“The power behind the throne. What's really under a Scotsman's kilt, the shadow in the fog, Man I'm talking about the real deal, the plan, the big picture?”
“You don't know who they are, do you?”
“No idea, only they are there and they are waiting for me.”
“To do what?”
I don't know. Maybe we should form an alliance.”
“Get away from me man, I am married.”
“No not that kind of alliance. A political alliance. A political social order alliance.”
“Just you and me?”
“Yes and you could be my deputy.”
“A deputy, I never been a deputy before. Fished a lot of Cod though man when there was Cod anyhow.”
“Well it's about the same thing you'd be doing now except only now you would be a fisher of men.”
“I heard that somewhere before.”
“I can't remember where though.”
“You, a bible man?”
“Yes, every day I read the good book. I call it my owner manual for my political causes.”
“Planning on starting a lot of wars are you. Crucify a lot of people. Especially the best and brightest if they are against you.”
“Well yeah but you got to do what the good book tells you to do.”
“I read the bible once. There was lots of whoring going on back than. The Jews had a King named David. He was a couple of hundred years old and he was dying so his friends strip him naked and got the best looking girls in the nation to stand naked around him to see if they could get his squirrel to start looking for his nuts again. Then there was Jesus who loved every body and wanted peace for all people, so they killed him.”
“Jesus wants now to bomb the shit out of everybody.”
“Is that so? Can't much blame him?”
“So do we have a deal, Mr. Deputy Prime Minister?'
“Jeez I like the sounds of that.”
And off they strolled along the Rideau Canal. Steven Hitler and Adolf Harper planning the future as we know it.